walk to remember

It's hard to think that three years ago I lost my second baby...  Man, that was an awful October!  Worst month ever.  And as the days continue to run their course, I think less and less of my maybe baby.  But I will never forget.

I may not have carried him for long...  I don't even know what the baby's sex was.  All I do know is that I have my Elizabeth Rae now, and I will never use the name Peter B. for a boy.  So I'm going to assume it was a he ;)  Anyway, the loss I've experienced is nothing like the losses of relatives and friends I do know.  But it's still a loss.

This morning I had the chance to be a part of this (thanks Nicki!).  My heart was slightly re-broken...  I mourned alongside the other participating families.  For bereaved families everywhere.  For all the moms who carry a child, only to go home empty handed.  And unless you've experienced that emptiness, you don't know what it's like.  And for that, I'm grateful.  I'm grateful that my heart has been softened so that I can not only sympathize for those mothers, but also empathize with some.  I know what it's like to want to be pregnant.  I know what it's like to have your arms ache to hold your baby.  I know what it's like to feel broken.

I remember, lying there on the exam table, waiting (for hours) for someone to come and tell me what was wrong.  And I remember patting my tummy, whispering to my baby, telling him that it'll be ok.  That I love him.  And that no matter what happens, that will never change.  And I remember telling him how sorry I was that he couldn't stay.

Today, I grieved for the baby I never knew.  Today, I celebrated my children.  My son.  And my daughter.  Once again, my eyes were opened.  To the miracle of life.  And to the beauty of eternal families.  *B


  1. Beautifully spoken. I know I grieved for so many years over my loss. And just like you have Elizabeth Rae, I had you, my Barbara Elizabeth to help me heal. Thank you sweetie.

  2. I miscarried our 2nd child and while I was only about 8 wks. it was still so hard and one of the worst times of my life.
    Thanks for sharing your story:)

  3. Oh Beth - it's been a long time since I commented here! I was thinking of you today because I remembered reading about your experience a couple years ago and feeling so sad for you. I just got home yesterday after having emergency surgery because of an ectopic pregnancy. I had a d&c and then 2 doses of methotrexate over the past few weeks and then my tube still ruptured. It's been a fun month. Anyway, thanks for your post today. It came at a good time for me.

  4. I am grateful for the trial of infertility just so I can also emphathize with those who struggle my struggles. We are all in this together, aren't we :)


You're currently in the process of making my day. So thanks for that! *B