10.19.2007

bye-bye my Maybe baby

Sorry about the massive hiatus. But in my defense, this past week was quite possibly the worst week of my life. For example, instead of spending last weekened with my family as planned, I spent it in the L.A. county hospital. Or how about this excuse: twenty pricks and five pelvic exams later, I find myself without a baby but with a full heart. It's a long story.

I guess you could say we conceived Maybe baby some time in August but things were sketchy from the start, hence the name (oh, and I was due in mid-May). My pregnancies seem to be weird from the get go... Anyway, it all started going downhill last Tuesday, when the doctor decided that the week long bleeding was the result of a miscarriage. Per doctor's order we headed off to the E.R. for a D&C procedure. Little did we know our trip would last 29 hours, and then some. It's funny, looking back, when the original doctor said we should be finished and homeward bound at 8 or 9 that night; I think he meant to say the NEXT night. We got there around five in the evening and I didn't even get admitted until the next morning. That's right, a twelve hour waiting period, the usual, of which we were unaware of until 8 hours had already passed...

Finally. Then the next 12 plus hours were spent figuring out what was going on, with Brad alternating between sneaking in and being kicked out --only to sneak back in. After a couple of ultrasounds (external and internal), many blood draws, and countless quiet hours, they came to the conlusion that I was not losing my baby, but soon would be: I had an ectopic pregnancy. So I was left with two options. 1. Methotrexate, which is basically a small dose of chemotherapy; and 2. surgery. We went home thinking number one might work for us (surprised?), with an appointment for the next morning.

My family came to town that night to visit for the weekend. I never got to go to Disneyland with them the next day... I never got to see them outside the hospital, besides the night they arrived. Turns out my hormone levels didn't drop significantly, so it was time to decide. After researching a bit of my own and after a very difficult decision on my part, I decided to go the surgery route. I guess I thought that the worse that could happen with the medication is that it wouldn't work and I would rupture, lose my tube and end up with an emergergency surgery. The worse with surgery would be the loss of my tube, but in a controlled environment. Turns out I was slightly mistaken, again.

Maybe baby ended up being more than difficult. They started with the planned laparoscopic surgery: mini scope through my belly button and two tiny incisions each above my hip bones for maneuvering the instruments. But the embryo was right at the conjunction of my left fallopian tube and uterus, so the simple and non-ivasive surgery was a no go. They ended up having to go through my old C-sec scar, a far more invasive procedure, and safely removed my little one. My tube was saved. However, instead of getting to leave in a few hours, I had to stay for a few days. Thanks to yet another hiccup happening.

My navel incision turned into a serious blood blister. I guess the DermaBond junk just didn't work, which resulted in four staples and an extra day in the hospital. And now I have a recovery time of 6-8 weeks, just like a C-section. Except all I have to show for it will be three new scars and renewed numbness in the old one. No baby for me. Not for another six months at least.

In all honesty though, it could have been worse. And I am extremely grateful for all the positives: family and friends. First off, I still have my happy, healthy little William. And because my family was there, he was taken care of. And my wonderful in-laws now have Monk until next week, giving me time to heal. Let's not forget my fabulous husband who stuck with me through it all. Not to mention his teachers who were not only understanding, but also more than accomadating in dismissing missed classes and rescheduling midterms. And we couldn't have made it without our wonderful friends. The Schooley's were beyond Christlike. Poor Jolene babysat beyond the planned two hours and into the unplanned 30 hours. And then there's the sweet Lynne acting as my surrogate mother all of Monday until the hub's folks got in. Both ladies are lovely, nothing short of a saint. And the countless number of people who have offered prayers, company, rides, books, mementos, meals, etc. We are truly blessed.

And for all that, I am truly grateful. Lonely, but grateful. *B

33 comments:

  1. Beth - you weren't kidding about an awful week. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you and your family were (and are) taken care of. I can't imagine anything being harder than losing a baby - but I strongly believe that you'll get another chance with "maybe baby". I'll keep you in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  2. hope you are feeling better and have a quick recovery. what a difficult experience that must have been... may god bless you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Bethie babe... what a week and what a story. I'm glad you've made it through. Love ya a lot. Jenna.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beth, I know you will get a lot of comments because so many people care about you so much, but I will leave one anyway. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. My exerience was very different, and yet still the same. I too have lost a "maybe baby" and then an "absolute baby" when we lost twins before Maeyah came to us. From my experience I have found though you do heal in many ways, you are never the same person again. I mark it as one of those before/after points in my life. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do for you. You are strong and you have such a wonderful family I know you will be ok.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi, sweetie . . . I didn't know I could cry anymore about this, but I guess I can! You did a beautiful job of telling your story. We love you and are so thankful for you and Brad and Will.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Beth- I am so sorry you had to go through all this! I feel so helpless being in TX and not being able to do more for you. I want you to know that I am thinking of you. I hope you are able to feel comfort and love from the prayers of all of us that love you! I know it will be hard and some days will be sader than others. Just know you are loved and have many people who are here for you!! I love you Beth!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Beth Honey! I am so sorry. What an experience! I hope you heal quickly. I'm so glad your families were able to help you. Rest up and heal quickly. I love you and will thinking about you a ton. Take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Beth, I am so sorry. I hope you get feeling better soon. You're in my thoughts & prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Beth- I am so sad to read your story. I hope that you are doing alright. Your optimism is inspiring. If there is anything that Scott or I could do for you guys please give us a call. We will be praying for you. Love, Shellie

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beth, I'm so sorry all of that had to happen. I am thinking of you a lot, and hope you feel better soon.
    Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Love you Beth! I'm am glad things are okay now!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ashley Hollis1:17 PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. I hope you have a speedy recovery and let us know if there is anything we can do...through blogland! :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am sorry to hear of your lose, but grateful to hear that you had plenty of loved ones and friends to help you out. You will be in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Beth... I am with those who say you will get more comments then you will know what to do with. I haven't ever had to personally deal with what you have gone through. But I can only imagine that our Heavenly Father has a plan and knows how strong you really are. I am praying for you now and always. Love Rae

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm glad you're home - it's awful to go through such things in a less-than-comfortable place. All will be well again.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I've made it til now without crying over this. Feeling sad, and contemplative, but no tears...until now. I really am sorry for you! I know what it is like to have a surgery, scar & recovery without any baby...but you were much further in the whole process than I was. I think at some point you'll be able to look back & see so many little great lessons through this, but until then, we love you & you are in our prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Aunt Sheri7:45 PM

    Hey Beth. You are such an awesome niece!! You are so eloquent, even in the worst situations. Our thoughts and prayers (and eternal love are with you).

    ReplyDelete
  18. Beth, I am so sorry. What an emotional rollercoaster you have been on. I know you will feel better over time and the good news is that you can try again. I had two miscarriages, but not as serious as this. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  19. B, you did a great job at telling your story. Love you, sorry you and Brad had to go through this, and you know you'll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Beth, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Your family is in our prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I really am. You've been through a lot. I'm so glad that your family was there during your time of need.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm so sorry. Hang in there, kiddo.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Shannon6:33 AM

    Beth, I wrote before but I just found out it didn't post. So while I can't remember what I wrote exactly just know that it was extremely clever and yet tasteful and very, very uplifting...I'm sure...yea. Anyway, I'm glad you're home and safe.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Beth, you have been on my mind and in my prayers. I read your entry on Friday but unfortunately was out of town and the computer would not allow me to post a comment. I am so sorry for your heart ache and sadness but thank you for sharing your strength, courage, and faith. You are such an example to us all. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help ease the pain or difficulty, anything. Again, thank you for sharing and my prayers are with you and your sweet family.

    ReplyDelete
  25. What an awful week... I'm so sorry, Beth. Sounds like you have the needed perspective to get through it, but nonetheless, you'll be in our prayers. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This broke my heart for you...I hope you get feeling better soon. :( I'll be thinking about you.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Beth- I am very sorry that you lost your "maybe baby"- I can't imagine what you are going through. I am very glad that you have such great friends and family that were there to take care of you. I hope you recover quickly and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am sorry about your week. I am glad to know that you are okay and that kind hands and hearts were there to help you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Beth-
    I know everyone else has already said it, but I am so sorry! I had no idea that any of these issues were going on! You're great for sharing your story! We love and miss you! You're in our thoughts and prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I don't even know what to say, but I am so sorry. I hope you are doing okay, take care.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm so sorry that you've been through such a hard time! I'm very sorry for your loss as well. I don't have any words of wisdom except I hope you are comforted by your family and friends. Know that your virtual friends are thinking of you too!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh dear. :( I'm so sorry you had such a sad experience, but I'm so glad you are able to see all the blessings in it. I really hope and pray that you will heal wonderfully and that you won't feel so lonely anymore. :(

    ReplyDelete
  33. Wow. What a hard thing to have to experience. I am sorry for the pain that must have caused and hope that you're feeling blessed with the peace and comfort you need.

    ReplyDelete

You're currently in the process of making my day. So thanks for that! *B