11.07.2007

as of late

And by late, I mean late at night (or early-whirly morning). I can't sleep and my mind is racing, probably because my body has been laid up for so long. Thanks proxy brain. Anyway, so I decided to use this as my journal, which it is. So this will be a random, and primarily personal, post. Most likely my rambles will be cryptic enough for public viewing (yeah, that's what I'll tell myself).

It hit me a few minutes ago that I would have been at the start of my second trimester. Of course I teared up, but it got me thinking about other things. I've had a lot of time to just sit, and think of my life and where it's headed. And sometimes I'm not happy with where it's going. This past year I've been so caught up in all of my hobbies (blogging and scrapping gigs included) for so many reasons: loneliness and entertainment (gotta love law school), denial (makes me forget I'm poor, a wife, a mother...), etc. And while I've made lots of friends and lots of fun things, I think I'm ready to call it quits. Well, not quite, but at least I'm ready for a break.

I've been taking a lot of breaks really. Breaks from life, from all the responsibilities out there. Emily from the Black Apple mentioned that while things serve a purpose, sometimes it's time to let those things go. I'm tired of being crafty. I'm tired of scrapping. I'm tired of blogging. I'm tired of shirking my duties.

Which brings me back to my aforementioned tears. So I lost a baby and have had a hell of a month in the meantime (yes, we were evacuated due to the Malibu fires; and I just happened to find out at the same time that my navel incision wasn't going to heal properly after all and that a daily double dose of packing the hole as a result was just another bonus on top of it all.). I guess I am justified in shedding some salt water every now and then. But what really makes my heart ache is that here I've been wasting my time on creative abandonment while my top priorities go unnoticed.

So what is of real importance to Beth Summers? Three things: My faith, my family and my health. Daily scripture reading (because let's be honest, I haven't even been reading them, let alone studying them. Baby steps, baby steps...) and daily prayer is more important than perusing blogs. I currently have a list of 80 sites I go and visit. But it's not just the browsing that kills me. Before last month's happenings, I considered myself the comment queen. Who does not like getting a comment?! I know it always brightens my day. Now that I am sooooo far behind in all my reading and remarking (1161 posts behind, to be exact), I've decided I can do without. It's not that I don't like to keep in touch with my friends and all the hip crafty divas out there, and I'm not saying that it's not important. But what I am saying is that there are other things of more importance to read, and that for me is the scriptures. I've been guilty for far too long to let my once habit slide anymore. My hiatus has reminded me of that.

I'll say this again (because not saying it is worse): I lost a baby. And for a while it was like I had lost two. I wasn't there for my William during my stay at the hospital and thanks to that pesky thing known as recovery, I "lost" him. I still can't lift him. He's not allowed to sit on my lap. It hurts me on more levels than one. But it is nice to be back at home, and to remember what I do have. I think I've wasted these past two years, denying that I'm a mother. Sure, I feed him, clothe him, generally take care of him. And yes, I love him. But he needs more than that. No, he deserves more than that. I am not his babysitter. I am his mother. This little boy is special, I know it. I know God has wonderful things in store for him and I am not helping him reach that potential. During his absence from my presence, I was terrified that he would forget me. Have I made enough of an impact on him that he would remember me? Does he know how much I love him? I honestly don't know, which is reason in and of itself to try harder. To be better. To accept the fact that this is my life now, I am a mom.

I'm also a wife; an extremely spoiled one. I know how much my husband loves me and he is more than willing to do whatever I ask. But am I as supportive of him? It's not money he needs me to make. I don't need to be killing myself thinking of ways to earn money. He just needs me to be strong, so I can take care of myself and my family. That's not his job, it's mine.

And I always feel better balanced in every aspect of my life when I am healthy. You cannot be spiritually in tune if you fail to take care of your temporal temple. I have been neglecting my health and the health of my family. I'm beyond tired of my current kitchen. My cooking has dropped at least fifty percent this year. Will eats mostly crackers, cheese and milk. I'm lucky if I can choke down some cereal and shove some eggs down Brad's throat. I know better. I know I know better. Nutrition truly is something I am passionate about. I find more joy and fulfillment in studying and practicing proper nutrition than I do in crafting, blogging and scrapping combined. My Masters is more important than the next freebie or give-away. A healthy lifestyle helps me help them (my family). Brain rotting (also known as televisioning) is not a sufficient form of activity for me or my toddler. I swear to anyone who reads this, myself included, that as soon as is possible, I will be active. I will set a good example for my children and a good support system for my husband. We will be a happy and healthy family.

All right, my brain is starting to wind down now. I'm impressed and apologetic if anyone has made it to this point of my thought purging. And I'm afraid my typo frequency is going to increase exponentially by the minute if I don't get off this thing and back to bed. But I'm ready now. My mind is made up and tomorrow I plan for a better life. A balanced life. A simpler life.

Sweet dreams. *B

17 comments:

  1. you're remarkable. i've had similar feelings lately (which is why i haven't been posting as much) that i need to spend less and less time on the computer. i didn't like shoving my kids to the side while i sat on the computer... i knew it wasn't right... and behavior of the 3 year old always worsened when i got on the computer. so i've had to limit myself each day to checking blogs two or three times (well, my google reader that is). i used to check about 15. sad, but true. so good for you for trying to do what you feel is best... and remember not to be too hard on yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad you made this post public. We all need this reminder!

    ReplyDelete
  3. See, there is a definite reason for some blogging . . . so we can learn from each other! Thank you for the beautiful thoughts. We all need to be reminded of them. I'm glad you are back, literally and figuratively. (Even if I miss being with you every day.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well if you're going, I want to thank you for introducing me into the blogging world - it's been a whole new world for me. Also, thanks for all the loyal and supportive comments and your fun posts!
    I'll miss keeping in touch like this, but I'm sure you're doing what you need to do!
    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Isn't it great to just let it all out!? Thanks for reminding me of the important things in life.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Shannon7:34 AM

    I'm really proud of you. I went through a similar thing when Natalie and Michael were babies. I realized that I had been at the computer 2 hours and they were both sitting at my feet crying. It was horrible. I try to never spend more than a few minutes at a time now. I'm not willing to waste so much time anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beth, you and I should talk more often. We have been through very different, and yet very similar experiences, with a lot of the same thoughts and desires.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You go, B. And I don't mean that literally, but I am glad that you are doing what you feel is best for you and the fam! I hope I'll still get to see an occasional pic of your fam though.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are truly amazing Beth! I'm so honored to be in the same family!! I love what you said, because it's exactly what I've been feeling. You're not the only who feels like this, as I've been horrible at those same things. AND I know how hard it is not being able to hold your little one. I had to do another c-section when I had Bryleigh and it killed me not to hold Bryce. It was so hard, but you guys will both get through it and survive wonderfully. I promise and I know you know that. I think as Mom's it's hard because we tend to feel guilty for all the little things we do that turn into big things. I hope that makes sense. The one thing that brought light to my "neglecting" my kids/responsibilities as a Mom was Elder Oaks talk from this last conference! Wow, it was awesome. Just know you're so awesome. You're such a great example to me and I love how personal you got on this entry. Believe me, you're not the only one making changes. Way to Beth!! :) Love you tons!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Go for it Girl. :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Beth-...I really appreciate your thoughts and emotions that you shared. I think that it is hard to find balance in life, and that will probably be something we will all learn the hard way. On the other hand, if you can find balance and contentment and still find time to keep us updated, please do! I get the feeling that you like the connections you have to the "outside" world, and if it means something to you, I hope you will find time to fit it in!

    ReplyDelete
  12. All I have to say is... BETH- I LOVE YOU and YOU"RE AWESOME! I have always looked up to you and still do... I am so glad to have you as a friend and miss you tons. I look forward to the time when we can all spend some time together again.

    J.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I was glad you posted this as well because I think we all need a little reminder every now and then on priorities! We can get so caught up doing things that aren't necessarily bad... but they aren't "good". It reminds me of Dallin H. Oaks talk this conference where he said that we are entertaining ourselves to death- spiritual death. That really hit home hard to me! Anyways, have fun with your family and make sure to keep in touch! =)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Beth! How I love reconnecting! I always wondered what the Summers Camp link was and now I know! Can I just say that life can be crappy and it seems like you've had a healthy dosage lately... no fair. Just want you to know you have one more friend offering you the love and support you deserve!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow...I totally relate...I have been totally spiritually starved as well, and it shouldn't be a surprised why everything in my life seems so unbalanced. Thanks for sharing! :) I'm glad you made some insights!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm proud of you for recognizing the things that need to change & going for it! I've had to take a few steps back as well...and it is refreshing!

    Much love & support!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I totally hear ya on the 'finding balance' thing... especially with computer time/scrapbooking, etc. I've been thinking alot about these same things about priorities with mothering/housekeeping/being a wifey. My friend shared a quote that I love: "Perspective has a healing power all its own." Take care and thanks for sharing these important reminders.

    ReplyDelete

You're currently in the process of making my day. So thanks for that! *B