as of late

And by late, I mean late at night (or early-whirly morning). I can't sleep and my mind is racing, probably because my body has been laid up for so long. Thanks proxy brain. Anyway, so I decided to use this as my journal, which it is. So this will be a random, and primarily personal, post. Most likely my rambles will be cryptic enough for public viewing (yeah, that's what I'll tell myself).

It hit me a few minutes ago that I would have been at the start of my second trimester. Of course I teared up, but it got me thinking about other things. I've had a lot of time to just sit, and think of my life and where it's headed. And sometimes I'm not happy with where it's going. This past year I've been so caught up in all of my hobbies (blogging and scrapping gigs included) for so many reasons: loneliness and entertainment (gotta love law school), denial (makes me forget I'm poor, a wife, a mother...), etc. And while I've made lots of friends and lots of fun things, I think I'm ready to call it quits. Well, not quite, but at least I'm ready for a break.

I've been taking a lot of breaks really. Breaks from life, from all the responsibilities out there. Emily from the Black Apple mentioned that while things serve a purpose, sometimes it's time to let those things go. I'm tired of being crafty. I'm tired of scrapping. I'm tired of blogging. I'm tired of shirking my duties.

Which brings me back to my aforementioned tears. So I lost a baby and have had a hell of a month in the meantime (yes, we were evacuated due to the Malibu fires; and I just happened to find out at the same time that my navel incision wasn't going to heal properly after all and that a daily double dose of packing the hole as a result was just another bonus on top of it all.). I guess I am justified in shedding some salt water every now and then. But what really makes my heart ache is that here I've been wasting my time on creative abandonment while my top priorities go unnoticed.

So what is of real importance to Beth Summers? Three things: My faith, my family and my health. Daily scripture reading (because let's be honest, I haven't even been reading them, let alone studying them. Baby steps, baby steps...) and daily prayer is more important than perusing blogs. I currently have a list of 80 sites I go and visit. But it's not just the browsing that kills me. Before last month's happenings, I considered myself the comment queen. Who does not like getting a comment?! I know it always brightens my day. Now that I am sooooo far behind in all my reading and remarking (1161 posts behind, to be exact), I've decided I can do without. It's not that I don't like to keep in touch with my friends and all the hip crafty divas out there, and I'm not saying that it's not important. But what I am saying is that there are other things of more importance to read, and that for me is the scriptures. I've been guilty for far too long to let my once habit slide anymore. My hiatus has reminded me of that.

I'll say this again (because not saying it is worse): I lost a baby. And for a while it was like I had lost two. I wasn't there for my William during my stay at the hospital and thanks to that pesky thing known as recovery, I "lost" him. I still can't lift him. He's not allowed to sit on my lap. It hurts me on more levels than one. But it is nice to be back at home, and to remember what I do have. I think I've wasted these past two years, denying that I'm a mother. Sure, I feed him, clothe him, generally take care of him. And yes, I love him. But he needs more than that. No, he deserves more than that. I am not his babysitter. I am his mother. This little boy is special, I know it. I know God has wonderful things in store for him and I am not helping him reach that potential. During his absence from my presence, I was terrified that he would forget me. Have I made enough of an impact on him that he would remember me? Does he know how much I love him? I honestly don't know, which is reason in and of itself to try harder. To be better. To accept the fact that this is my life now, I am a mom.

I'm also a wife; an extremely spoiled one. I know how much my husband loves me and he is more than willing to do whatever I ask. But am I as supportive of him? It's not money he needs me to make. I don't need to be killing myself thinking of ways to earn money. He just needs me to be strong, so I can take care of myself and my family. That's not his job, it's mine.

And I always feel better balanced in every aspect of my life when I am healthy. You cannot be spiritually in tune if you fail to take care of your temporal temple. I have been neglecting my health and the health of my family. I'm beyond tired of my current kitchen. My cooking has dropped at least fifty percent this year. Will eats mostly crackers, cheese and milk. I'm lucky if I can choke down some cereal and shove some eggs down Brad's throat. I know better. I know I know better. Nutrition truly is something I am passionate about. I find more joy and fulfillment in studying and practicing proper nutrition than I do in crafting, blogging and scrapping combined. My Masters is more important than the next freebie or give-away. A healthy lifestyle helps me help them (my family). Brain rotting (also known as televisioning) is not a sufficient form of activity for me or my toddler. I swear to anyone who reads this, myself included, that as soon as is possible, I will be active. I will set a good example for my children and a good support system for my husband. We will be a happy and healthy family.

All right, my brain is starting to wind down now. I'm impressed and apologetic if anyone has made it to this point of my thought purging. And I'm afraid my typo frequency is going to increase exponentially by the minute if I don't get off this thing and back to bed. But I'm ready now. My mind is made up and tomorrow I plan for a better life. A balanced life. A simpler life.

Sweet dreams. *B